What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:14
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
How do I cope with the fact that I will never have a girlfriend?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
What has been your best sexual experience?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I said to her
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Would this be the day?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
How do you help patients stop hearing voices?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I want to touch my sister’s boobs. What do I say?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What does the Bible say about the Antichrist? How will we know when he arrives on the scene?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
How does Arab culture and values differ from western culture and values?
What did i know ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She found it foreign!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When she asked me how she looked .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I waited trembling.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
All the time i was locked up.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So, i spoilt her more .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I couldn’t, believe it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We all went to grammer schools
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was in good health!
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I think the readers, may guess!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was very sick at this time too.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I write beautiful poetry .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He knew the spot.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot live in the past .
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Who then, do I blame.?
I have no regrets .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
Ive learnt so much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was scared of men, in general
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Especially a lifetime of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !